On “Angst-Experience” and Henry Nouwen

-Somehow, somewhere, I know that he loves me, even though I do not feel that love as I can feel a human embrace, even though I do not hear a voice as I hear human words of consolation, even though I do not see a smile, as I can see in a human face.  Still God speaks to me, looks at me, and embraces me there, when I am still unable to notice it

Henri Nouwen

ImageSuch a powerful and inspiring words coming from Henry Nouwen!  Indeed, I am so affected by what he said about his personal relationship with God.  His motivating words show how firm his faith is even though he cannot feel, hear, and see God.  What about me?  How firm is my faith?  Am I still connected with God?

As I am repeatedly reading the powerful and inspiring words of Henri Nouwen, it is not amazement that continuously captivates my eyes but tears.  As I walk in this journey called life, I have this question that repeatedly bothers me whenever I am reflecting or I am in moments of difficulty, prayer, or silence; “Oh God, when I am down, in doubt, and my soul is so weary, are you really speaking to me, looking at me, and embracing me?”  I beg for your pardon for this question, but I can’t deny the fact that this question somehow bothers me whenever I am not loved or whenever I am not considered as a person capable of loving.  I admit it’s hard for a person like me to see true love in the perspective of Christ when I am in pain.  I am not disagreeing on the fact that God is love, what makes my vision blur to see this awe-inspiring fact clearly is angst.  Angst is the root of all discouragements and boredoms that I experienced as I do my very best to share love selflessly.  It is more fiercely than death, more cunning than evil.

It is hard to love selflessly when I am in the influence of angst.  It is hard for me to be aware of selfless love as true love that never fades.  To love selflessly while experiencing the pain of angst for me is one of the tragic dramas for a human person who succumbed himself/herself to the game called love.  What’s the reason for falling in love selflessly if angst is the greatest enemy or disease?  Is it still ok and valid to fall in love while you are suffering from the pangs of angst?

While revisiting my very own collections of “angst-experience” inside my innermost closet called being through reflection, my eyes were passed by once again on the motivating and heart-shaking words of Henri Nouwen.  Going back on the question that popped into my mind; “Oh God, when I am down, in doubt, and my soul is so weary, are you really speaking to me, looking at me, and embracing me?”, this is what I got; whenever I am weary of so many things in life including my “angst-experiences”, I can’t but look up in the sky and surrender to God all the things that bothers me a lot.  It’s in the act of surrendering everything to God that I feel He’s within me speaking, looking, and embracing.  It’s half-crazy indeed, but this is what I feel.  Hence, it’s in the moment of rejection, broken-heartedness, and misunderstandings that I feel the unconditional love of God all the more which even human love cannot meddle with.

It’s Nice to be Back

keep-calm-i-m-back-in-businessHi to my dear readers!  Sorry for not being consistent in my blogging.  Actually, instead of writing and updating my blog consistently, I spent the days and months in prayer, silence, and reflection.  In the past months, I experienced a lot of good and bad experiences which indeed worthy for sharing in my blog.  Now, this is a moment and an ample time for me to start again from the basics.  At first, I find it so hard to start writing and posting in my blog again because only few read my life stories.  “It’s so boring and useless to blog because nobody cares about my life stories”-this was the reason that always pops into my mind as I am trying my very best to convince myself to write and post these stories in my blog.  I admit that I am just a beginner in this business called “inspiring others through blog.”  I am not a good writer.  I am not fluent in the English language which I consider as a medium for blogging.  The only thing that I could be proud of and that I could show and share in the whole world is the ups and downs of my life.

I consider myself as a nobody in this world.  I have few friends.  Even though I have 1076 friends in Facebook, only few are willing and available to chat with me consistently.  I am not a talented person, but I am still thankful to God that He gave me the capacity to strive for excellence with full hopes that someday I may be able to discover my very own God-given talent.  I am a hopeless romantic person, but I am thankful that despite this “curse” which pierces me so hard, I still feel that I am being loved by someone who accepts me and understands me more, i.e. God.  Oftentimes, people misunderstand me because my actions, beliefs, and ideologies are not prior to them.  But despite all these pessimistic ideas that I have in life, I am optimistic with something that I could be proud of until I die, i.e. I am a unique human person created out of love and mercy by God.

Uniqueness is one of the characteristic of the human person which is hard to define and to see in our neighbors.  I could say that I am one of the victims of those who are misjudged and misunderstood by the people of today.  Because of my different perspectives and point of view, I was left like an orphan by my friends who I consider as my strength in times of difficulties.   Oftentimes I am being criticized and questioned because my state of life does not correspond to what the world manifests in each and every one of us today.   What’s within me that people doesn’t want to see?  What’s within me that people hates?  These are the questions that frequently pops in my mid whenever I ask myself.

As I try my very best to discover an answer and reasons to my questions, this is what I get; majority of the people nowadays are fond of impressions and what is sensational to the human person rather than what is unique in him/her.  It is so sad to know that only few people on this earth still appreciate the uniqueness of the human person whatever color of the skin he/she has, whatever language he speaks, and wherever country or places he/she belongs.  As the Holy Scriptures says we are created in the image and likeness of God and we are given a precious gift called uniqueness.  But why is it that many of us here in this world find it so hard to identify each person’s uniqueness?  If we die and if our flesh has been decomposed, our bones will be the same with other’s bones and this phenomenon testifies that we are created and formed equal by God though we have different uniqueness in life.

Writing this reflection made me think twice.  I said “What’s the purpose of writing this reflection and posting this in my blog if no one cares to read this?  If no one cares to read this, I dare to speak up in this issue which I myself experiences.  One thing passes unto my mind which I would like to say as to conclude this reflection about uniqueness; “DON’T JUDGE THE BOOK BY ITS COVER!”