On “Angst-Experience” and Henry Nouwen

-Somehow, somewhere, I know that he loves me, even though I do not feel that love as I can feel a human embrace, even though I do not hear a voice as I hear human words of consolation, even though I do not see a smile, as I can see in a human face.  Still God speaks to me, looks at me, and embraces me there, when I am still unable to notice it

Henri Nouwen

ImageSuch a powerful and inspiring words coming from Henry Nouwen!  Indeed, I am so affected by what he said about his personal relationship with God.  His motivating words show how firm his faith is even though he cannot feel, hear, and see God.  What about me?  How firm is my faith?  Am I still connected with God?

As I am repeatedly reading the powerful and inspiring words of Henri Nouwen, it is not amazement that continuously captivates my eyes but tears.  As I walk in this journey called life, I have this question that repeatedly bothers me whenever I am reflecting or I am in moments of difficulty, prayer, or silence; “Oh God, when I am down, in doubt, and my soul is so weary, are you really speaking to me, looking at me, and embracing me?”  I beg for your pardon for this question, but I can’t deny the fact that this question somehow bothers me whenever I am not loved or whenever I am not considered as a person capable of loving.  I admit it’s hard for a person like me to see true love in the perspective of Christ when I am in pain.  I am not disagreeing on the fact that God is love, what makes my vision blur to see this awe-inspiring fact clearly is angst.  Angst is the root of all discouragements and boredoms that I experienced as I do my very best to share love selflessly.  It is more fiercely than death, more cunning than evil.

It is hard to love selflessly when I am in the influence of angst.  It is hard for me to be aware of selfless love as true love that never fades.  To love selflessly while experiencing the pain of angst for me is one of the tragic dramas for a human person who succumbed himself/herself to the game called love.  What’s the reason for falling in love selflessly if angst is the greatest enemy or disease?  Is it still ok and valid to fall in love while you are suffering from the pangs of angst?

While revisiting my very own collections of “angst-experience” inside my innermost closet called being through reflection, my eyes were passed by once again on the motivating and heart-shaking words of Henri Nouwen.  Going back on the question that popped into my mind; “Oh God, when I am down, in doubt, and my soul is so weary, are you really speaking to me, looking at me, and embracing me?”, this is what I got; whenever I am weary of so many things in life including my “angst-experiences”, I can’t but look up in the sky and surrender to God all the things that bothers me a lot.  It’s in the act of surrendering everything to God that I feel He’s within me speaking, looking, and embracing.  It’s half-crazy indeed, but this is what I feel.  Hence, it’s in the moment of rejection, broken-heartedness, and misunderstandings that I feel the unconditional love of God all the more which even human love cannot meddle with.

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