In my prayer it seems that God is not present and it’s like that I am facing a blank wall whenever I communicate to him. I have a hard time now to recognize God and his presence in my life because it seems that he is hiding from these dark nights that I am encountering right now. I feel so lonely and sad without any reason at all why I am lonely and sad. I feel so down and troubled inside and the graces coming from the Lord, which for me a source of my strength and courage seem so ordinary and secondary. I don’t understand why these things are happening to me.
I am doing my very best to love God and to be close to Him, but nothing happens and I can’t find any consolation coming from him when I strive to love him wholeheartedly and sincerely. Where’s God in my life? This is my question into myself as I struggle to find him in the dark and in the blank walls. I feel so alone and cold as I am suffering this kind of grief which I don’t like really to experience and happen into my life.
As I reflect on the gospel today my attention was caught by these words; “Why are you troubled? And why do questions arise in your hearts? Look at my hands and my feet, that it is I myself. Touch me and see…” (Luke 24:38-39). As I let these words speaks into my awareness, I cannot but feel emotional and suddenly asked these questions; how am I may able to look at your hands and feet if I cannot feel your presence? How am I may able to touch you and see in the midst of darkness and confusions that surrounds my faith in you? The only thing that I responded on his words coming from the gospel for today is trust. Despite the fact that I am suffering from this kind of despair inside my heart, I am still blest that he understands and forgives me as a friend.
I inflicted Him so many scars because of my sins and weaknesses, yet He treats me as a friend. From the past days I am longing for someone who will be my crying shoulder in my deep sadness and loneliness. Unfortunately, I cannot reach them because they are unreachable and busy in their own worlds. I really feel so alone and minding at my own crisis.
The only thing that that I do is just to surrender everything to God who is like now a blank wall to me. It’s painful, but I need to trust Him still even though he is unperceivable for me now.
Instead to enjoy the summer breeze that really makes feel someone fine, I’m battling at my own loneliness and sadness. “Do not be afraid…Trust”; these are the words that God challenges me as I reflect the gospel for today. In spite of the trials and difficulties that I am experiencing right now and the pain that I am trying my best to endure, I still trust the Lord and believe on Him no matter how agonizing the pain inflicting inside me.
It’s tiring and I cannot anymore endure it. The only thing that passed to my mind on how I may be able to face this reality is to surrender and trust. Something ordinary for me, yet I know it will help me as of now. I believe I may be able to conquer these things. Maybe, it’s not yet the right time to see the light amidst the darkness and the struggles that I face.