I always voice out to my previous blog entries that love is truly and really demanding. It takes a lot of dedication, persistence, and perseverance to love and to follow its demands. So, it cannot be avoided to feel exhausted and drained in loving truly and faithfully. I myself am not exempted in this kind of dilemma in loving. I could say that I have given everything in love, but is not enough; and, I asked myself “why?”
The demand of love is sometimes painful and hurting. It strikes the heart and the capacity to move on and to be tough in every unexpected circumstance in life. When this experience occurred in my life I cannot but fell down my knees and sob in tears. Actually, I admit, it’s easy to describe and define love in words and in rhyme, but when it penetrates the heart and the deed it’s a different story.
I have been saying a lot of good things about love, but if I were to be asked how far I consider love in my life; my answer would be “I am still searching for it.” I realized that when you are searching for love, the more it becomes painful, tremendous, and hurting. Yes, it may be seen as a sad reality, but this is what love is all about when you seek. But, after all these twists and turns in love, there’s joy.
As of now I am still tired of loving. Perhaps this feeling that I am experiencing right now is an invitation for me to stop for a while and ask myself how far I can be serious in taking up the demands of love. I am not a perfect lover. I easily get tired of loving when what I have exerted a lot of effort and sincerity is not enough. But, it does not mean that I will give up in loving sincerely. I will not give up in loving sincerely and faithfully until I die. Sounds romantic; but this is who I am.
People sometimes misunderstand me of being like this. People judge me as a fool and crazy. For me, this is what it means to be a true lover, i.e. to be fool and crazy in loving even though it’s draining and absurd, and even if people rejects it. I believe love is what we need even though it’s challenging and arduous. What be the image of life without love? Definitely, it will be meaningless. Hence, love is all that matters for me even if I waste tears in my eyes and energies in my soul. Love is still what drives me to go on even if the same love is what tempts me to say, Gi kapoy nakog higugma! (I am tired of loving!).