The Silence of Love

God seems to be very silent to me for almost a month now. Even though I run and kneel before Him over and over, still, it seems that His love doesn’t beckon me anymore. Is He depraving me to be a sharer of His love? Did he already close His heart to me because I disobey His will at times? Until now, I feel like a dry land waiting for a poring rain in order that I shall be nourished and fertile. When shall His silence end? How long will I suffer and struggle in this so-called “the silence of love”?

What answers would I get from my friends if will ask them to define love? Surely, I assume that the common definition they would tell me is the reality that the world manifests, i.e. love is a dynamic entity that which brings completion to what we desire and what we long for. Is this love? For so several years that I desire and long for love, true love in particular, it seems that I have not yet experienced the fullness of it. Does love really dynamic? Where in fact, the more I convince myself that it is thus dynamic the more I encounter or experience the silence which seems so painful and disappointing to accept.

Did God choose to silence His love to me? As I am trying my best to live in the perspective of Christ, I cannot but be emotional because after all the struggles and pains that I endure in order to live His way, it seems nothing happens. The more I struggle to be good like Christ and endure the pain of living by His example, the more His love becomes silent and hidden. Why? I can’t find a reason. The more I struggle to deepen my relationship with Him, the more I doubt His love. Well, people or my friends may say that I am a “man of little faith” because I doubt, but how can’t you doubt if His love hid and silent.  As much as I exert to deepen my relationship with Him and to follow His way of life the harder to accept and live His love.

Is He unfair?  As I keep on reflecting on my disappointments about God’s love, too late to realize that it is not in knowing true love that I may able to understand it means, but it is only by allowing myself to be possessed by the silence of true love.  We can possess the truth about love, but we cannot possess love.  Love possesses us even in its silence.  For so countless years that I tussle in searching for the real meaning of true love, it is only now when I realized that true love means allowing my life to be immersed by it.  It is demanding for it does not really define love.  But it is not in the meaning that I could learn how to love with all of my heart but it is by accepting the fact that my life is immersed in love eventhough it does not conceal its real meaning.  This is a hard contention but who could understand it even I couldn’t fully and totally grasped it. Is this a manifestation of how God works in my life?  Is it a manifestation of the promptings of the mystery of God’s love?  I don’t know.  But what I can only that I could claim as for now is that God’s ways are not my ways, and God’s thoughts are not my thoughts.

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