If Only

If only I will be going back to my four-years experience as a seminarian, the most significant situation where I genuinely open my heart and mind to discern God’s will was when I became so much overwhelmed with my doubts, confusion, anxieties, mistakes and dilemmas in my seminary life.  On that time, I thought I could be able to overcome it all with my own strenght and will.  I rely on my own pride.  I rely on my own foolishness.  I thought , in relying on my own strenght and will, everything will be fine.  It was a misconception.  I thought I could able to make it without the help of my companions and the advices of my formators.  It was an irrational thing.  I fooled myself.

When everything seems not so finr and I became so much overwhelmed with my doubts, confusions, anxieties, mistakes and dilemmas in my seminary life, I started to seek God and open my heart and mind to discern His will.  When I started to become open to Him, I realized that I became so much absorbed with my own self-righteousness and pride which hindered me to be connected with the people whom could able to help me to solve the struggles that I have in my seminary life.

 Then, after realizing my own fault, I was ashamed with myself.  Suddenly, I started to bend my knees, kneel, pray and talk to Him.  I burst all the pains, discouragements and disappointments that I have to Him.  I ask for His forgiveness and mercy.  After that, I started to sob and cry.  Since then I relied with the graces of strenght and will from God in order to overcome my doubts, confusions, anxieties, mistakes anddilemmas in my seminary life, I always thought that “Boys don’t cry,” but when I started to genuinely open my heart and mind to God’s will, I have realized that in life I must cry because crying is not fearfulness but toughness, is not a feeling of defeat but a feeling of success, is not disgrace      , but honour.  I’ve realized also that I must accept the fact that my own strenght and will wouldn’t be enough to overcome my doubts, confusions, anxieties, mistakes and dilemmas in my seminary life compare to God’s strenght and will.  I must still depend on Him to overcome my struggles in life.  I must still need to cooperate and coordinate with His strenght and will.

 In genuinely opening my heart and mind to discern God’s will, I realized that there are no shortcuts to overcome my struggles in my seminary life.  I thought relying on my own strength and my will would be adequate enough to settle all the struggles that I have in my seminary life.  Still, I need to be dependent on God’s will.  I realized also that discernment is not depends on my own capability and ability to discern what is the plan of God for me.  It still depends on God’s will and it could be concieved by allowing it to penetrate into my heart, my mind and my soul.

Discernment is part of my prayer and applying what I have learned.  The more I persevere to pray to God with love, the more I become genuinely open to discern God’s will.  The more I burst the pains, disappointments and discouragements within me to Him, the more become open to the fact that I am limited, I am human and I am weak, but capable to change, to persevere and to depend on God’s will and grace.

When I started to genuinely open to discern God’s will, I became at ease with myself in peace, I became open with my spiritual director and I became at home with myself.  God allows doubts, confusions, anxieties, mistakes and dilemmas to overwhelm in my seminary life in order to open my heart and mind for conversion.  He made me to realize the importance of inner peace of one’s heart and mind.  In peace, he speaks and listens into our pleas.  I really appreciated the importance of peace into my life because in peace, He speaks into my being.  I feel His guidance which leads me to think twice into my decisions in life.  He listens into my pleas and sorrows.

 With the help of the experience that I have experienced going back to my four-years experience being a seminarian I was able to recognized and realized the importance of opening my heart and mind to discern God’s will.  Once a heart and mind is being thought to be open in order to discern God’s will, God truly speaks and works on it in order for it to grow and mature with a steadfast spirit.

One thought on “If Only

  1. Keep up the good work. God who has begun it in you will also bring it to a successful end. Congratulations and wish you the best…. holy perseverance!

    Like

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